Numb

I had a traumatic birth experience and I believe that really affected how I was able to bond with my baby. The doctors told me I was at a higher risk for postpartum depression because of the amount of blood I lost. I didn't think it could happen to me, because I was 'strong'.

I ended up going back to work when my baby was 11 days old. I needed to work to make ends meet but what I didn't realize at the time that this was also my coping mechanism and always has been. Having to work kept me going and gave me that sense of purpose that I so desperately needed. 

I felt inadequate most of the time. I started having thoughts of harming myself and believed my children would be better off without me, but those thoughts come with so much shame.
 
I couldn't reach out for help or talk to others for fear of what it will look like. I already doubted myself and I questioned what others would think about me being able to care for my children. I feared someone would come take my children away because I was unfit. Take them away because I was not strong enough. A nightmare within the nightmare.

Imagine you are living in a dark, foggy and heavy place. It's hard to explain and when you start to think about how low you feel you start to think about how selfish you are, how could you be depressed?  You have wonderful children, you have a house, you have a job, you own a business, you have a vehicle, you have friendsand family who would drop everything for you,  you have everything, you have more than enough. You must be the most selfish person on earth. You have no right to be depressed. You have everything. You must be weak.  Your thoughts continue to deepen the spiral of postpartum depression.