Scream

I’m going through a really hard spot right now, struggling with anxiety and depression. A lot of stuff from my past and from my childhood is suddenly coming up, and I have no control over it.

I spent years suppressing my emotions and pushing stuff down. I came from a family where talking about feelings and expressing emotions was not accepted. You were not allowed to show any anger. I had terror of expressing any feelings. My only defence in my situation as a child was to shut down so I got very good at it.
The problem is now, i’m experiencing these waves of intense emotion and i’m having to teach myself to not shut them down. I’m 52, but emotionally I feel like i’m still a child. It’s terrifying, but i’m trying to encourage myself to not just hide everything…to let those emotions out.

My biggest coping mechanism right now is actually medieval fighting. It’s a group of individuals in town who dress in historically accurate armour and battle. It’s a safe place for me to be able to show my aggression, to get out of my head and to let out my battle cries. It’s like when I put on my physical armour, I feel like I don’t need as much emotional armour.