I’m starting to tell people about my story because I don’t want to hide anymore.
When I was a child, I was sexually abused by my father. I’ve since developed Dissociative Identity Disorder, which is where I’ve fractured my mind into various identities within myself in order to contain the trauma. So there is no ‘leader’ or main identity…I truly don’t know who I am as I don’t have a core. It feels like everything happened to this other person…not me. There is a black hole pitted in my chest of childhood experiences that I can’t necessarily access…I’m trying to find out where the bottom is.
My whole life has therefore become filled with contradictions. My identities are in constant battle with each other. Even for simple decisions, my 2 and 3 year old self might have a totally different viewpoint than my 8 year old self… so I never know who I’m supposed to listen to.
From the outside, it appeared like I lived a totally normal life. That’s because I’ve learned to disassociate or mentally check out when faced with personal contact. This makes it incredibly hard to be intimate or get close to people. I feel like no one has ever really gotten to know me.
Through my counselling, I’ve learned ‘normal’ PTSD therapy won’t work for me…if I were to try to meditate, I’d just have 8 different voices screaming at me in my head. Instead, I need to learn to respect my identities. Instead of trying to get rid of them, I need to take the time to honour them…to let them have have their voice.
I could just keep disassociating through life, I just don’t want to.